


at once more wonderful and more terrible

by SiderumInCaelo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Canon Compliant, Ficlet, Future Character Death, Gen, Good Dumbledore, Introspection, Platonic Teacher-Student Relationship, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 20:02:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14678448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiderumInCaelo/pseuds/SiderumInCaelo
Summary: The decision not to tell Harry the curse on his hand was terminal was easy, until it wasn't.





	at once more wonderful and more terrible

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from _Order of the Phoenix_ , when Dumbledore describes love as “a force that is at once more wonderful and more terrible than death, than human intelligence, than forces of nature.”
> 
> This ended up being very similar in content and theme to my previous fic, [pity the living](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14392005), but both work as standalones.

Until this moment, the decision not to tell Harry about his impending death had been easy; a straight chain of logic with no detours.

If Harry knew Albus was already dying, he might question Severus’s allegiance after Albus’s apparent murder.  If Harry questioned Severus’s allegiance, so would Voldemort, thanks to his connection to Harry.  If Voldemort had reason to suspect Severus, he would kill him.  If Severus died, he wouldn’t be able to mitigate the Death Eaters’ sadism at Hogwarts, or give Harry the final, horrible piece of information when it was time.  If Harry didn’t find out he was a Horcrux, he wouldn’t willingly give himself to Voldemort.  If Harry didn’t give himself up, he wouldn’t protect others by his sacrifice, and would himself lose his best chance of surviving.

But really, that hard logic had been extraneous.  After all, he wasn’t informing anyone else of his approaching demise, because, well, who was there to tell?  Other people would confide in their family and friends, but Aberforth would be much happier hating him at a distance than having to feel sorry for him, and as for friends…

There were people he liked, and who liked him in return, but he had kept them all at a careful distance.  Ever since he had stood by his sister’s grave he had known that he could never be trusted with personal attachments, lest they lead him into obsession and cruelty again.

He had realized for quite a while now that he had bent that rule to breaking when it came to Harry.  He loved the boy, had even admitted such last year, but he had never considered that Harry returned even a fraction of it.

But –

_“He accused me of being ‘Dumbledore’s man through and through.’”_  
_“How very rude of him.”_  
_“I told him I was.”_

(It’s how thoughtlessly Harry says it that gets to him.  He had thought he would never find that mix of admiration and personal loyalty again, not after Ariana’s death, but Harry says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, not even realizing it’s noteworthy until he sees Albus’s reaction.)

The oversight seems absurd, now.  He had seen how quickly Harry would risk everything for Sirius and how wrecked Harry was by his death, and Albus was, in fact, pinning the outcome of the war on Harry’s ability to love.  But somehow, Albus had always assumed that Harry saw him simply as a headmaster – a benevolent and trustworthy one, hopefully, but not someone to _love_.

Not someone to mourn.

The worst was that this didn't alter his chain of logic, of course.  He still couldn't tell Harry.  But now he knew it meant that Harry, once again, would have to face the death of a loved one without any time to prepare or a chance to say goodbye, and the necessity makes it no less cruel.

He’s already planned to give Harry the Resurrection Stone, when the time is right, to make his vital, terrible sacrifice easier, but now he's found himself hoping that letting Harry see those he had loved and lost, even as pale shades, will somehow make up for this.


End file.
